


I may not live to see our glory

by incredibly_cold



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Somewhat Historically Accurate, john is full of doubt and alex is there to reassure him, read notes to find out more about sensibility, sensibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 17:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6576745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incredibly_cold/pseuds/incredibly_cold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I may not live to see our glory."</p>
<p>John Laurens came to say these eight words like a prayer. The change happened gradually, until one day it stopped sounding like a fact coming from his lips, but like a hope. It was no surprise when Alexander noticed the change in him, he always noticed everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I may not live to see our glory

**Author's Note:**

> If you aren't familiar with sensibility, it's basically where men would show their more sensitive side to show that they were really manly and cool. This meant that kissing, love letters, some touching, stroking, and fondling were standard behavior between friends. In some cases there is strong evidence suggesting that sexual favors were also a socially acceptable practice. Brojobs were a thing.
> 
> Also worth noting, sodomy at the time was strictly defined as anal sex. If you steered clear of that you were totally on the path of god. Men were expected to be sexually attracted to both men and women, but men who were only attracted to other men were sodomites and that was not okay. The punishment for sodomy was actually execution, but in the colonies at least it was very hard to be convicted because there had to be multiple witnesses to the act and people usually weren't doing that shit in public.

It was a complicated world. There were few absolutes in the war, but there were many ideas, and there were some that they all knew. One could be summed up in one short, concise sentence. Eight words that encompassed the dreaded fact. "I may not live to see our glory." 

They all knew it, all said it. It was a very real possibility for each and every one of them. On the battlefield they had to carry these words inside of them and charge on anyway. It was too late to turn back and save themselves from whatever their fate might be. So they said the words. Some said them with fear, some with sad resignation. Still others said them with the courage that inspired everyone around them until they too were willing to do whatever it took to gain freedom.

 

John Laurens came to say these eight words like a prayer. The change happened gradually, until one day it stopped sounding like a fact coming from his lips, but like a hope. It was no surprise when Alexander noticed the change in him, he always noticed everything. That was his blessing and his curse. 

 

Hamilton had always entertained dreams of greatness. He wanted to either die a hero, or live and set the foundation of the country. Shape it into what he knew it could be. Leave a great legacy for himself. Laurens didn't share that hope. His dreams ended with this war. He often said that all men should have the same rights, regardless of color, but he didn't have any plans to achieve that. It was a belief, but not one he had bothered to make a goal of.  

 

Alexander had waited to say anything until they weren't working, he had enough respect for that at least. Even if he always had to speak his mind, he could occasionally wait to speak it until the right time. The right time turned out to be in the wee hours of the morning, when one of them had usually gone to bed. Laurens was sitting on the settee across from the fireplace, lost in its depths. He was so absorbed in the twisting flames that he didn't even notice his friend approaching. The bright orange light burned and stung his eyes, and in that cleansing pain he found that he could finally stop thinking for a while.

 

It was only a shame that Hamilton was so bad at easing into difficult subjects. "You intend to die in this war, don't you?" The words pulled him violently from his reverie. He felt his shoulders grow more rigid, and he turned blindly to where he could feel and hear his friend sit down beside him. Spots danced across his vision from the brightness of the fire. 

 

It took some effort to stand his ground, and keep himself looking relaxed. He was always ready to fight, almost as much as Hamilton. At the moment he was prepared to throw a punch or block one, even though he knew that neither were coming. Even though it was his own self reacting this way, he wasn't sure why he felt so defensive. "I plan to do whatever it takes for us to get independence." He told him after a moment of silence. In this, he was not committed to any answer. That was strange too, because one of their similarities was that they both spoke their mind and didn't hide what they thought about things. He didn't hide his thoughts, especially not from  _him_. They were too close for that. 

 

"John, be honest with me. You know you can tell me anything." His friend took his hand in his own and  squeezed it. Maybe if he wasn't so obviously tense, then he'd have done more. Maybe given him a kiss or a hug, which would have been more typical for him. The fact that he did neither was both a relief and a disappointment.

 

He felt his shoulders slump in defeat as soon as their hands touched, and he smiled sadly at his friend, who he could now see, though still not with full clarity. He always cared so much about everything. This was another flaw with his beautiful and advanced mind, that he couldn't handle not knowing things. "Alexander," he murmured. Such a wonderful names, sometimes he felt it was the only word he ever wanted to say again. "I wish that were true."

 

"It is true." He brought their hands to his face and paced a gentle kiss on Laurens' knuckle. That was a bit more like him.

 

John hated the way that his gaze followed his hand up to the other man's lips, and the way that it lingered there for a moment against his will. He couldn't stand the way that his world narrowed for a second to include only the points where their skin met. Kissing and holding him was a common gesture of friendship, nothing more. He wished the fire could have burned away the part of him that got so caught up in what he knew was meaningless. "I trust you completely, but I couldn't tell you everything. Not ever." He managed, meeting Hamilton's eyes with a pleading look that he hoped would stop him from trying to argue.

 

It did work, in a way. He clearly wasn't satisfied with that answer, but instead of trying to prove a point about why he deserved to know what was going on, he stayed quiet and watched him. Laurens didn't mind being watched. It gave him a chance to lose himself in those dark, intelligent eyes. "You know that I love you." He started, carefully. It was sweet of him to start out with the reassurances. It made it seem more like he really cared and less like he was just trying to get information. Of course, he was trying to get information, but it was nice of him to say that he cared first. As if for emphasis, he used his free hand to stroke John's cheek. "If I lost you, I don't know what I would do. Why do you welcome death as your fate? You're meant to do so much more." 

 

For some reason that rubbed him the wrong way. "No, you're meant to do more. I don't care about politics as much as you, and I'm not as eloquent."  He didn't shy away from his touch, but he also didn't respond to it. What did Hamilton know about his purpose? This was the same man who resented George Washington for putting him in charge of writing instead of giving him troops. If he couldn't see that his own most useful skill was with a paper and quill, then how could he dictate anyone else's purpose? He didn't say that though, couldn't bring himself to use harsh words against the man that he loved so much more than he should. "I'm good with a gun, and that's my part to play in all this." He smiled, and hoped he looked happier than he felt. "If I die, you'll be fine. You'll go on and win this war, and then you'll help build a great country. You'll make me proud." 

 

The hurt on his face was confusing and unexpected. As well as he knew Hamilton, he didn't understand it. "Why do you think that way? You have so much to give to our new nation. You could end slavery, and change the social status quo forever. Don't you want that?" It was one of the things that he cared most about in the world. Alexander hated slavery too, but even he didn't have the same enthusiasm for complete equality as the slave owner's son. That was one of the things that they focused on when they were writing together. "Don't you think you have a duty to do what you can for them?"

 

That made him pull away. "Are you saying that when I die, you won't do anything to make sure that the things I want for this country happen? Not even to honor my memory?" He didn't even attempt to keep the reproach out of his voice. As much as he was ready to embrace death, he did expect the one man he was closest to, who he knew would do so much for the new country, to respect his wishes. He had no qualms in letting his friend know that he had messed up.

 

"I'm saying whatever it takes to keep you alive." He sighed. Apparently there was no point in lying about it. It wasn't as bad as choosing to ignore his his wishes. Not nearly as bad. "If you die, I'll have to do everything I can for you and your memory. Laurens, I'm prepared for the possibility, but I don't want you running out looking for death. You _are_ important." Hamilton took the opportunity to get closer, so that their shoulders were touching. John stayed where he was. 

 

"Alexander." He sighed softly. "Alexander, Alexander, Alexander..." Laurens savored the feeling of that name on his lips. As common a name as it was, it felt more beautiful when it referred to the man beside him. He turned to him and cupped his face in his hands. Their foreheads touched and he could feel their breath mingling. "I love you more than I could ever say." There were so few moments like this one left during the turmoil of the war. Most days were hectic from start to finish, without time for tenderness and intimacy. He pretended that was why all he could think about was closing the remaining distance between them. "You always see so much in me, even when there's nothing there. I am sorry if I've ever done anything to hurt you. It wasn't my intention."

 

It turned out that he didn't have to be the one to initiate the kiss. When their lips touched, he felt himself give the same surprised jolt as he always did. He still remembered the first time. He'd been expecting a polite peck, and had been shocked at the the hand at the back of his neck and the duration. He wasn't used to Hamilton's more forward nature. Even now, it seemed, he was not fully accustomed to it. His heart fluttered in his chest. Half of him felt happy and light as a feather, the other half the excruciating pain of being torn apart. The whole thing only lasted a couple of seconds before the contact broke and Alexander, his sweet Alexander, was talking again. "I wouldn't change what I feel for you even if I could.  You truly are my dearest friend, John. I love you."

 

Laurens felt his heart lurch in his chest. He felt the stinging in his eyes, and he wondered if he would actually cry or if his eyes were too dry from the fire. "I know that you don't like attachment. Don't you think this is a burden?" It was a lurking question in his mind. He always wondered if some part of Hamilton really hated him because of the things that went on between them. He wouldn't blame him if he did, their relationship was his own secret shame. Sometimes he found himself wishing that they'd never met. 

 

"You're right, I don't like being attached to anyone. I hate it, actually. Attachment slows me down and distracts me from ambition. For you though, I'm more than happy to make an exception." Another kiss, this one on his cheek. It turned out that his eyes weren't too dry. He felt the first hot tear rolling down his face, and hated that he felt ashamed. He hated that he couldn't just accept anything affectionate from the other man, but deep down he couldn't shake the thought that he would hate him if he knew the truth about him. Once they had started, he couldn't stop the tears. They kept falling, and Alexander kept kissing them away. 

 

He wished that he could be honest. That he could say that what he felt for him went beyond friendship. He wanted to tell him that he'd never felt anything for a woman, not even his wife. That he wished he'd never met her and that they could be together all the time without any mention of her or his daughter. Most of all, he wished that he felt nothing for the other man, and that he could be like everyone else. "I'm your exception?" He finally choked out.

 

A smile, a hand at the back of his neck. "You're my exception." Alexander looked him in the eye, and Laurens could tell that he meant it. "You know everything about me, I trust you with all of it. No one else, just you. I confide in you, just like I want you to be able to confide in me."  Back to that. He'd been hoping that they could move past it.

 

"Please, this isn't that simple. I'm not someone with an unfortunate past, it's different than that." He hated to make it seem like he was belittling him, but their secrets weren't even close to being on the same level. Hamilton wanted to be seen as a regular man and not a sob story. John was trying to avoid something far more serious. The worst case scenario would be execution. He knew that wasn't likely, but he couldn't bear even the idea that it could happen. The only way he knew for sure to prevent it was by hiding the truth. 

 

Of course, it wasn't surprising when Alexander took it the wrong way. He knew it as soon as he straightened up, even if the other man was staying silent long enough for him to correct his mistake. It was an allowance that he only rarely gave people, so he knew to take it while it was an option. "I just don't want things to change between us. It's nothing against you, but this could make things different. I can't give this up." He reached out and held his palm against his friend's chest. Felt his breath and his heartbeat, so smooth, so soothing. It was true, he couldn't imagine going on without this.

 

"John, you are my friend, but you insult me. I won't tell anyone and I won't judge you, but I think I deserve to know why the person I care most about in the world wants to die. I know it's your business, but I would like to be here for you in every way, not just the physical." That was exactly the problem. Given the physical nature of their relationship, it was impossible that nothing would change. Yes, they were close emotionally and intellectually as well, but this was the main way that their friendship differed from a common working relationship. It was in the secrets, the touches, and the love letters, and all the things that someone wouldn't want to do with a sexual deviant. 

 

He stared sadly into those dark eyes, unsure of what else to do. "You say that now, but do you really think your feelings for me are unshakeable? That nothing could make you see me any differently?"

 

Hamilton stroked his temple with his thumb. It was a better alternative than running a hand through his hair, since it was far too curly for that. "They are unshakeable. I would love you no matter what."

 

John slumped forward so that his head was resting on the other man's shoulder. "Even if I'd never cared for a woman the way a man should? Even if I'd never had any interest in one?" He asked quietly. He had to force himself to say it. It wasn't so much that he believed that Alexander would really be okay with it as it was that he wanted to prove him wrong. He waited for the sweet agony of being right, but the seconds ticked by and nothing happened. Finally he steeled himself enough to look up, expecting the worst.

 

Alexander looked confused, though not necessarily disgusted. "Your wife-"

 

"Was a mistake. I thought that if we..." He trailed off with a shuddering breath. He didn't want to cry right now, didn't want to distract from what they were talking about with an emotional display. "I hoped that it might change something. It didn't. When I found out that she was pregnant, I knew that I should marry her. I wouldn't find anyone that I really wanted to wed, and that way she could keep her good name. It was convenient, I never loved her."

 

There was a pause, and his friend looked unable to fathom what he was saying. "Do you mean... You didn't even enjoy the sex?" 

 

It was typical of him not to understand that. Alexander always had a way with women. It never really bothered Laurens that he wasn't the only lover the other man had, or that the others were chiefly women. He expected it, it was normal. Still, it did mean that something like not loving sex would be completely incomprehensible to him. "It wasn't unpleasant I guess, but I didn't really like it either." For some reason he couldn't look him in the eyes to say it. He didn't really understand why, it wasn't like it was too personal a subject for them.

 

"And do you like it when we-"

 

"More than anything." He responded quickly. This wasn't going how he'd planned, the other man was looking guilty, not disgusted. As if he'd just realized his advances were unwelcome, and he was the one in the wrong. Still, saying he liked it more than anything was a bit much. He sounded too eager. "I'm sorry, I mean that I do it because I enjoy it, not because I feel like I should. You aren't like Martha."

 

For some reason that seemed to set him at ease. He relaxed further back into the settee, away from him. Still, he looked conflicted. His eyebrows were knitted together, like they always were when he was thinking. The thinking was what made Laurens nervous. Hamilton always knew exactly what to say, and he always said it. He never hesitated. Anything that was difficult for him to say would surely be far more difficult to hear. The sounds of his pulse and the fire were becoming overwhelming when he finally opened his mouth. "So I haven't been forcing you?" Again, not at all what he was expecting.

 

It was sweet, but in a way that felt similar to a punch in the stomach. It hurt him to know he made his friend worry, if only for a minute. "No, all of it has been my decision." He shook his head. He couldn't let Alexander blame himself for their transgressions. He wasn't the one who was doing wrong in this whole thing. "I know that I shouldn't, but I take advantage of your willingness. If either of us is forcing someone into doing something wrong, it's me. I've been hiding an important truth from you that would change our situation. I'm sorry, I know that you must be angry." This time he didn't try to hold back his tears. Maybe because he thought they would prove just how sorry he was.

 

"I'm not angry." The words were soft and gentle, like the hand that came to rest on his knee. "I already told you that nothing will change the way I feel about you. I still love you, and it's very flattering to know that you prefer me to a woman." There was the briefest of pauses, in which the other man flashed him a sly grin. "Although now I feel a responsibility to do more. If I'm the only one helping you out in that area, then I should double my efforts. You must be terribly deprived."

 

"Alexander, please. This is serious!" He tried to sound stern, but a laugh broke though the tears and sadness. His dearest friend, he always knew exactly what to say. He was as good at speaking as he was writing, if a bit less elegant. John shook himself back into the conversation. "Do you really not mind? It doesn't bother you at all to know that it's more than just a way to relieve tension when there aren't any women around? That it's more than just a normal friendship to me?" He still hardly dared to hope, but it was difficult to suppress the light happy feeling that was growing inside of him.

 

The other man leaned forward, so that they were just inches apart and one hand came to rest on the side of his face. "If I'm to be honest, I value you as more than a normal friend too. I love you unconditionally." And then he kissed him again, and for the first time in a long time, Laurens didn't feel any pain or fear because of it.


End file.
